Daydream believers

I was trading air-guitar licks the other day with Bluto Pilkbean, the imaginary childhood friend who helped me invent the flying car and a way of extracting super-human strength from Twizzlers. He’s recently made a name for himself in the fanciful field that’s filled many a restaurateur’s daydreams of late, the silver bullet.

“Pilkbean,” I said after we’d decided not to take the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to dinner, “do you really buy this malarkey? So many things are stacked against the industry that all the experts are calling this a perfect storm. An operation is going to soar out of hell just by adding sliders or upgrading its coffee?”

“This from the person who believed he could obliterate all homework by electrifying Silly Putty,” he retorted. “Besides, you’re forgetting that most adapters combine the magic pills. McDonald’s is focusing on breakfast and beverages. Taco Bell is embracing cheap-o deals and new drinks and breakfast. Applebee’s is not only touting sliders and bargain-rate lunches, but also inviting customers to submit videos for a new campaign. It’s a matter of mucho mojo, mi compadre.” Pilkbean had never been quite the same since the trip to Tijuana.

“Who cares if you offer five or 50?,” I responded. “What does it get you other than one turn of consumers’ heads?”

“A point of differentiation.”

“For how long? If these killer plays do anything, everyone and their cousin copycats ‘em. It’ll be curbside takeaway or the Bloomin’ Onion all over again.” I looked to see if he was reaching for his combination death ray pistol/Pez dispenser, because I had him now.

“There’s always something new,” he noted calmly.

“Such as?”

“Well, right now some fast-casual chains are adding table service. All kinds of concepts are giving away food to bolster traffic. Eat ‘n Park and Chipotle are supposedly looking to use more local ingredients. Red Lobster just announced that it’ll give space on the menu to a dish created during one of those cooking-contest shows.”

“Isn’t that exactly what Friday’s did?”

“Well…maybe. But there’s talk of going even farther afield. Some concepts are talking about radical steps like upgrading service, renovating dining rooms, or”—he actually shivered at this point—“trying to hire and retain the best employees. Gives you goose bumps, doesn’t it?”

“You’re an idiot,” I assured. “Now let’s get back to work on our Red Sox immobilization spray.”

(Jolly old) BK sliders

Even with the U.K.’s love of all things royal, the Burger King may never have enjoyed a reception quite like he’s getting these days across the pond. The blogosphere is rippling with British-accented talk of the wooden-faced icon’s latest European menu addition, a product that seems likely to jump back home at some point. After all, what do Brits know about sliders?

Yet that’s what BK added to the menu of its British operations in late May. Not that this is your conventional mini-burger, a la what you’d get at White Castle, Krystal or any number of chains or fine-dining restaurants these days in the States. Indeed, BK’s new Angus 6 Pack is actually an oversized, scallop-edged burger that’s served with what could best be described as a modular bun. The patty is actually meant to be six small, interconnected burgers. The top and bottom of the bun are similarly styled. Patrons are urged to pull the item apart to form six minis—two topped just with catsup, two with catsup and cheese, and two with bacon added to those garnishes.

If the Angus 6 Pack is indeed added to the menus of stores in the U.S., it wouldn’t be the first time that Burger King featured sliders. In the 1980s, the chain added a multi-pack of minis called Burger Buddies. The product was indeed to be purchased as a snack. But franchisees yelped about the item because the little patties would slide through the grill of the concept’s signature chain broiler.

The use of a bigger, six-in-one patty would alleviate that problem.