'Paging Mr. Ripley'

If a picture is worth a thousand words, headlines should come with volume numbers. Here are a few grabbers that tell a vivid story without a word of explanation, though a dab of context is nonetheless provided for those who wonder how the underlying articles came about. All are real headlines that appeared within the last few weeks:

‘Restaurants go after reviewer's testicles’: It seems that the reviewer for the Metro newspaper in Auckland, Australia, left several high-profile restaurants off his list of the area’s 50 best dining options. One of the overlooked establishments responded with a full-page ad in a rival paper, slamming the critic’s work and providing a recipe for reviewers’ testicles. The ad encouraged at-home Emerils to take a "very sharp knife, [and] slice through the sort of skinnie muscley stuff that you find surrounding each of the Metro Food Critic Testicles (there should be two testicles, they can be hard to find)".

‘China's first penis restaurant,’ also reported under the banner, ‘Members only, but diners don't find it hard to swallow’: Guo-li-zhuang restaurant in Peking, China, specializes in the private parts of yaks, donkeys, water buffaloes, horses and other studmuffins of nature. The best quote in the story that appeared under the latter headline: "Of course, there are other restaurants that serve the bian [penis] of individual animals. But this is the first that brings them all together." You can only imagine the Zagat entries.

'Bruce Oldfield shows off his McDonald's designer duds': Oldfield, in case you’re the gauche sort who buys off the rack, is a clothing designer whose world-famous clients included Princess Diane and who still dresses the likes of Catherine Zeta-Jones. He was asked to revamp the uniforms for McDonald’s staffers in the United Kingdom, a crucible for some of the chain’s more progressive personnel policies. Some might say it’s like Oasis or Amy Winehouse playing bar mitzvahs and weddings. But the new outfits, shown last week in Britain, have merited serious commentary from the fashion sheep who ooh and ahh over the latest runway get-ups. The neck scarves for women have been panned, but the brown-on-black shirts for guys have been given well-received. Ditto for the new baseball caps. “Next up, McBurqa's,” quipped one online commentator here in the States.

‘Church’s Chicken Names Fletcher Martin Agency of Record for Eastern U.S. Media and Print’: This was the headline of a press release that was sent to us and that you can probably find online. As a stand-alone, it’s perfectly fine. But the copy below it is an eyebrow-raiser: “Church’s Chicken, a division of AFC Enterprises, Inc…” Church’s was sold by AFC in 2004. Today, AFC’s only restaurant holding is Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits, a competitor to Church’s. Since the new agency is dealing with media, it might want to clear up that error ASAP. Otherwise, it could end up being pointed out in a blog.